EFT: The Seinfeld Episode

Jun 22, 05 EFT: The Seinfeld Episode

What if Jerry Seinfeld and his friends Cosmo Kramer, George Costanza and Elaine Benes had discovered EFT? Let’s imagine. Here’s a taste, an idea of a few things that might have happened. Take it away Jerry.

[Opening nightclub sequence with Jerry doing a stand-up comedy routine.]


JERRY: You know, I don’t like getting vaccinations. Oh no. I just won’t go near needles. So I really have a hard time understanding those acupuncture people. They love their needles and pokin’ around with them. They even leave the needles in there for awhile to make their point. By the way, contrary to what you may hear, acupuncture isn’t thousands of years old based on some oriental medicine. In fact, acupuncture was discovered accidentally by a Boy Scout. What an experience. The boy was on pins and needles when he rousted a porcupine in his sleeping bag. That started the whole thing. There’s the real story behind acupuncture.

[Scene: Jerry’s apartment. Kramer makes his entrance in a grand fashion, bumping into the door. Kramer walks in tapping his face, his chest, under his arm and the top of his head. Jerry has a puzzled, distrusting look. Then Kramer starts tapping on Jerry.]

JERRY: Now stop that, Kramer. What in the world are you doing?

KRAMER: Why I’m doing finger acupuncture, Jerry. It’s called EFT. It’s the latest thing. I heard about it from my friend, Bob Sacamano. I borrowed his set of EFT videos. I’m using EFT to get rid of my anger and frustration at Newman. It’s working because I’m feeling very peaceful. I’m light as a feather, Jerry. I can feel this bliss thing. It’s amazing. You’ll love EFT because there aren’t any needles.

JERRY: I thought EFT had something to do with banking and ATMs. So then, what does EFT stand for–extraordinarily funny thing?

KRAMER: Come on Jerry. Knock it off. I’m thinking of starting a chain of EFT restaurants. People will tap while they’re eating, enhancing their dining pleasure. Plus, they tap afterwards to lose any weight they gained. My idea is a real winner, Jerry. A real winner.

[Scene: A few days later. George and Elaine enter Jerry’s apartment. They’re both tapping.]

GEORGE: [Excitedly] That Kramer. He’s really something, isn’t he Jerry? He taught me this new thing called EFT. It’s fantastic. I just got a big promotion. I showed it to Mr. Steinbrenner. He started tapping. Now all of the Yankees are using it. Their batting averages are out of the ballpark. It’s all runs, all hits and no errors. Steinbrenner thinks I’m a genius. I really love this EFT.

ELAINE: [Flirtingly] It’s a real attention getter. The other evening I was in a club. A very gorgeous hunk of a guy walked up to me and offered to buy me a drink. He said he had noticed me all the way across the room when he saw me patting down my makeup. I was just doing EFT, tapping on my face. Then he asked me to dance. EFT has made me an even better dancer. You should see me do the tango.

GEORGE: By the way, Jerry, what happened the ther night with Kramer? I heard he was walking around his apartment in the middle of the night with a flashlight tapping on the walls. Is that a new EFT thing?

JERRY: Actually, no it’s not E-F-T. It’s called O-F-F. The power company cuts off your electricity when you don’t pay your bill.


Read The Seinfeld Scripts. Or, get the book, Seinlanguage by Jerry Seinfeld. Want the classic DVDs? Here are Seinfeld seasons 1 and 2, season 3 and season 4.

Visit the Sony Pictures Television Seinfeld website.

1 Comment

  1. VERY clever! Can’t wait to read your House MD EFT episode and your Weeds EFT episode. Will there be a movie?

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