Bones to Pick

Feb 25, 07 Bones to Pick

Betty Moore-Hafter, EFT Practioner and co-author of the book, Freedom at Your Fingertips, has come up with a creative way to deal with personal conflicts and people that you may have an issue with or a “bone to pick.” You can release unwanted negative emotions without ever having to confront anyone. In this article, Betty offers you yet another creative way to use EFT for everyday life.

Tapping for Unfinished Business

by Betty Moore-Hafter, MA

I recently came up with a novel way of using EFT to help a client who had some “bones to pick” with several people but knew it would be unwise to really confront them. It was a work situation in which he (we’ll call him Paul) had been treated unfairly by several colleagues. Due to the dynamics of the workplace, it would have only made things worse to have it out with them, but Paul was still seething with anger and resentment . Here’s what we did.

I had Paul sit in my recliner, which made it easy for me to tap for him. As he thought about his feelings concerning each of the three people who had wronged him, we tapped like this:

(Karate Chop Spot) Even though I’m still angry at them, I deeply accept myself.

Even though I’m still angry and hurt, too… they really betrayed me… I accept myself with kindness and compassion.

And even though I can’t say this to “Kelly’s” face, this is what I would tell her if I could….

Then I tapped on all the points (eyebrow, side of eye, etc) as Paul expressed all his hurt and anger towards one of the offenders, Kelly. “How could you do this to me? I thought you were my friend. And I’ve bailed you out in the past. Is this the thanks I get? You’re so intent on getting ahead, you don’t care who you step on. You’d better not expect any favors from me, I’ve had it with you. You’re not my friend. You went behind my back. How unprofessional and how low.” (etc.)

I kept tapping until he couldn’t think of anything else to say to her. He took a bit sigh and said he felt a lot better.

Then we tackled the other two people involved in the same way. We stated in the set-up, “Even though I can’t say this to his/her face, if I could tell this person off, this is what I would say…” And then Paul expressed his anger and hurt and disappointment in every way he could think of as I tapped for him. It began to get silly and even funny. Soon he felt extremely calm and free of all the anger. He could breathe deeply for the first time in days.

I often use a little inner imagery to really bring the healing home. We finished with a brief visualization in which Paul imagined a courtroom and put these three colleagues on trial before a judge and jury. We went right to the outcome and he felt deep satisfaction as they all were found guilty. I asked him what they’d be sentenced to. “A year of community service. That way, they’ll have to think of someone besides themselves.” He felt completely satisfied emotionally even though all of this had only been played out in his own mind.

When I spoke with Paul later, he told me that seeing these people at work the next day had been so much easier than he ever thought possible. In a meeting, he’d been lighthearted, laughing and joking with them. He was pleased to think about how puzzled they probably were since they expected his resentment. He felt as if he had taken back his power and, even though he’ll now keep good boundaries and stay wary of them, he can work alongside them again without feeling uncomfortable.

The next time I have a conflict with someone and end up angry and hurt, I think I’ll try this for myself! There could be real value in finishing the unfinished business internally before confronting the other person. When you can “talk to” the other person in inner dialogue, you can say whatever you want and use EFT to clear any intense emotion. Then, when you do see the other person, you will be capable of clear, calm communication, even some warmth towards them, setting the stage for resolution and a positive outcome.

1 Comment

  1. Rod Sherwin /

    I have a variation on Betty’s technique called the “Rant & Rave” technique. I use this when, like Paul, in the article I have something I need to get off my chest. I do a simple setup statement something like “Even though I’m angry at so and so, I deeply and completely accept myself”. I then continuously do rounds of EFT while getting myself as worked up as I can about the issue, the person and sometime the way I acted as well. Eventually, I can’t think of anything further to say and calm down. Only after I have vented, do I then do tap around the possibility of forgiveness:

    “Even though their behaviour was wrong on so many levels, I’m open to forgiving them.”
    “Even though I don’t want to forgive them, I claim back my power that my anger has given them.”
    I may never actually get to forgiving them but I do like to do that tapping to work towards that outcome.

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